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My first question is: Anybody used match.com?.

My next question is: We have been friends with benefits for about a month and I am just wondering, can it ever be more than that?  I feel that with each time he gets closer and more attached to me because he keeps doing more things that do not seem normal for this type of arrangement.  like he will comment when i'm dressing that certain parts of my body are his, he will stop frequently while we are having sex and ask if I am ok, and since the first time, I have noticed he has been kissing me more often and more deeply, which I consider a sign of intamacy since it is more personal.  he has even started kissing me on the forehead when I arrive.  when he calls it isn't just about the time and place, sometimes he actually mentions something else and we have a conversation about it.  I realize  that this could just mean that he is getting attached to the sex and not me at all.  but I also realize that he is not an affectionate person and this might also mean something else. thank you for your time...

Comments (18)

Your question was: Anybody used match.com?.

From everything you've just said it seems like he's getting attached to you. Unless you're under 25 yrs old, this whole thing of being friends w/ benefits doesn't make sense to me though. You have sex with someone because you want them. There's definitely some feelings involved.. why not ask him and get an answer? v..

Comment #1

I wouldnt read into anything about his physical contact with you.  The only reason I say that is because I can  be very affectionate and very conversational but not have any huge interest in dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy on a serious level.  One guy didnt know how to read me and he got freaked out because I wanted to lean on his body during a movie.  Of course he did chill out later.  How can you say that he is not an affectionate person when he is affectionate with you?  He likes to kiss....so the the two of you kiss.  I wouldnt assume anything until he says something to you about the status of his feelings about you...

Comment #2

Thanx, I really can't afford to just come right out and ask him because he is my boss at work, we are the same age, it is just that he has been there longer. and when I say he is not an affectionate person I mean he is usually very stern and quite mean outside of the bedroom, not just to me but in general and he never seems to have or want a girlfriend..

Comment #3

Friends with benefits means that you actually LIKE the person and want to spend time with them doing things besides having sex (as opposed to a booty call)but it stops short of being a relationship (thru Match.com) with any sort of expectations or commitments beyond what the two of you agree on (for instance, FWB partners can agree to be sexually monogamous).  A guy can act very affectionately towards you, but not want more than what you have, even in a booty call situation..

So I would not read anything into his behavior..

Sheri..

Comment #4

I see...you have a sticky situation.  I understand now what you are talking about in regards to affection - I have known people like this.  You can feel him out and see if he is content with just dating (online dating with Match.com) you but that still doesnt indicate whether or not you are in a real relationship (thru Match.com) versus FWB.  I guess time will tell but I can understand if you want to know now.  Is he your direct superior?..

Comment #5

Eek, he is your BOSS? What do you value more, your job or your FWB arrangement with him???  If things go sour, I doubt it will be HIM who will be out of a job..

In any event, your post brings up an interesting issue that needs to be clarified.  Do FWB arrangements differ from full-blown relationships in that people can have more than one?  That there is no expectation of anything permanent such as living together, or getting married?  That noone is consider a boyfriend or girlfriend?.

Perhaps you need to clarify what each of you understand in your FWB situation....and that might give you an idea of whether or not there is a potential for more.  And if he wants more...

Comment #6

Yes, he is my direct superior...things have went sour between us before, he tried to invite me over to have sex with me at a time when I was completely against the idea and we didn't talk after that night until we became FWB, and even then he brought it up again.  when we were at odds over me not sleeping with him, it was awkward, but I wasn't going to give up a good job over him, I will admit I am getting feelings for him, but I am not in love and never have been, and it will not be hard for me to end this if I feel like I am getting too deep and he is not on the same page...this is obviously a very common situation for many woman because as I was discussing it with women at my other job, the two that I talked to both had FWB situations as well.  I suppose I should mention that the last time we had sex, instead of hovering far above me, he laid firmly against me, and scooped his left arm underneath my head, laying his head in the curve of my neck, kissing me there lightly ever so often...i find this very intimate, which I wouldn't consider a FWB to do if it were strictly that...he has also seemed to have an interest in who I have wanted to date using Match.com right before we began this arrangement....paying close attention to my phone calls, especially those that included another man's name and repeating some of it to me so he could ask me if I was interested, but this could also be like a territorial thing as well.  he has gotten me all confused, normally I would just come right out and ask, but with him being my boss that might create tension, but I have no idea how to determine his true motives....obviously sex, but anything more??? who knows!..

Comment #7

Can you quit your job?  What your boss has been doing has been sexually harassing you.  I feel that it is sexual harassment because he would not speak to you until you have sex with him.  He is violating you.  Why are you going along with this? Please consider quitting your job and finding a safe place to work.  Your future, your financial independence is more important than this man.  Men come and go...bad credit is forever..

I really am not impressed by how he kisses you on the forehead or on your neck or how he behaves territorially with you because he offends me by what he did to you.  He sounds immature and selfish.  I have had my own recent bout with an immature and selfish male and all they care about is themselves.  Your feelings never become a priority because all your feelings and heart are used for is to fuel their selfish ego.  So you and your feelings are only but a tool for a man to feed himself in a destructive way...

Comment #8

I agree, FWB can be whatever the two negotiate. I found that an important difference between FWB and BF/GF is that a  BF/GF arrangement can include a commitment to working things out if the couple experiences problems while FWB situation doesnt include that.  That is something women dont think about before agreeing to a FWB situation...

Comment #9

But are FWB suppose to experience those "couple-like" arguments and issues?.

I know with a previous FWB when things went sour I went south and in that situation, he thought of me as more the GF type when I boxed him in as a FWB guy. I've otherwise never experienced GF/BF like argument with a FWB person...

Comment #10

This is my own philosophy based on what one should expect from someone who likes your company and wants sex from you but doesnt want the baggage of a relationship:  there should be no couple-like moments where issues are at the forefront.   Sure, everyone has arguments but if there are issues that need ironing out or if one has the desire to enhance the communication or closeness of the relationship (thru Match.com) then that person requires a real relationship (thru Match.com) not a FWB.  A FWB person is not "there" for anyone.  If I were in a FWB situation and I encountered some issues then I'd just break things off.  I wouldnt bother to work on anything with someone who I am just having sex with, yet I like his personality...

Comment #11

He's the one you need to have this discussion with - you're enjoying being with him but you want to see if you're on the same page.  Does he think this might turn into something more or view it just as FWB.  And how would you feel if for him it's just the sex?.

,..

Comment #12

If it turned out to be just sex for him, then that would be fine with me.  when I felt like I was ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) again I would just break it off with him, and I would keep my job.  I don't agree that I should quit my job, and I don't consider this sexual harassment because he is still civil with me at work, he still talks to me just not about what happens outside of work and he does not make any advances or sexual remarks to me while at work.  if this turns out to be strictly sex, I will be just fine.  I will not regret it and I won't have any problems severing it because like I said I am not in love and I don't have very strong feelings for him.  I think only time can tell what he is really thinking about this arrangement and what we could end up being if anything at all.  true I could come right out and ask him, but he could just lie or feel like he is obligated to date using Match.com me or he won't get to have sex with me anymore.  it is a very touchy subject and I think I will just wait for him to address the subject and if he doesn't then I will break it off when I feel like I need something more.  if his feelings were more than just about sex, he could voice this when I decide to break it off.  regardless, I am keeping my job. ..

Comment #13

Are you being honest with yourself that you would be okay with sex only?  I know for me, I would have a very hard time accepting just sex from someone that I was interested in not only having sex with, but in having a relationship (thru Match.com) with. Unless I didn't care who I was in a relationship (thru Match.com) with and just accepted whoever wanted to fill the slot... But I always do care.

Good luck...

Comment #14

Right now, all we are is sex.  that is how we started off, and if that is how it ends then who am I to complain?  I agreed to this strictly physical relationship (thru Match.com) in the beginning just like he did.  it is not his fault that my feelings have begun to get involved.  although I do admit I would like to be a little more with him, it would not be the end of the world if it did not work out.  I realize that the odds of it actually working are very slim.  I am to the point now that whatever happens, happens and I will deal with it as it comes.  but I will have to deal with whatever the outcome is and I will have to deal with it like an adult...

Comment #15

You are in a friends with benefits relationship (thru Match.com) and you are beginning to want more.  That usually happens with women, however, men want the sex.  If he is giving you extras, it may be that is his sexual technic.  Don't put your hopes that he might be falling in love with you..

You must pleasure him in the right way and he is very satisfied with you..

You could ask him if he is developing feelings for you...

Comment #16

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments, because I feel this is a subject that is difficult to discuss, but is becoming more of a popular situation.  I have found that many women are in a strictly physical relationship (thru Match.com) just like mine, and sometimes it is hard to know what to do and expect when you have never been in that situation before.  I am relieved that my post has generated so many responses because that makes me feel less like I am alone in this situation.  I think I have learned that only time and ultimately a discussion will tell me where this relationship (thru Match.com) is going, if anywhere.  thank you to everyone for your time and responses...

Comment #17

I have  been in strictly physical relationships and the best thing to do is just to let things flow as they flow.  Sometimes you'll initiate times together and sometimes he will initiate times together.  dont expect it go any further than it is at this moment in time....regardless of how open, affectionate or interested he may seem with you.   Men have an ability to live in the moment.  Many women dont prefer to live this way..

If you are getting emotionally invested then it is time to take a break from the guy - maybe a few months - then maybe you can get back into it.  If you see that nothing helps and you want more from the guy...then you have to break things off because if you dont the times you do spend together will not be enjoyable anymore. ..

Comment #18


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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