Am I taken for granted?

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OK, I am with a wonderful person who I would like to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to "screw this one up" if you know what I mean, I think he is the one for me, absolutely. I think that what we are going through is circumstantial...I guess that's what I need feedback on.3 months ago, my boyfriend and I opened a business together. This was a huge leap for both of us because we had only been together 7 or 8 months at the time, almost 11 months now. Our relationship (thru has been really solid from the beginning though, and we are both smitten. Before our business, I was working two jobs and was always really stressed out.

We went to yoga together on Tues. and Thurs. and Sat. and Sun. We cooked dinner together on the evenings I didn't work, and we'd sit outside at my house and eat and drink wine and laugh and talk and have a blast.

And we have an insane chemistry, so although I don't have sex (until marriage), we still fooled around all the time and it was so, so great. Moving on...the business. This has been stressful for a number of reasons. We have had problems with our supplier and are probably going to have to file a lawsuit against her because she has had thousands of dollars of ours for months now and has failed to ship more than half of the merchandise we paid for, which has put a major kink in our business (a lot of our very expensive advertising was for the merchandise she failed to deliver), so we have lost more money in sales than we'll ever know. Meanwhile, my bf has remaining responsibilities with his family business, which is in the process of shutting down.

So she doesn't lose too much money. These details don't matter that much I guess...what matters is that our intimate, loving, respectful vibe with one another has taken a bit of a beating. We are both very emotional people who react strongly to what is going on in our lives, and sometimes we are about to crack under the pressure of what is going on. I am technically working less hours than I was before, but working and taking home a paycheck from someone else is quite a different ballgame than running a business. Our emotions both run high a lot of the time and we get into some sticky fights.

He is sometimes unintentionally dismissive of how I feel. For my part, sometimes I forget how sensitive and sweet he is and I say things that hurt him. Our physical stuff has decreased drastically and when we do fool around, it often feels like we are going through motions to make the other happy. Don't mistake me here, he is so hot and I am still completely drawn to him physically, but it just seems like that emotional intimacy is lacking a lot of the time because of the tension we both feel. And we know it's lacking because we used to have it! As for the taking for granted part, sometimes I feel like I'm back at the beginning of a relationship (thru and I have to play some kind of game, like "hard to get" even though we're already a serious couple! It's silly, and I don't seriously do that, but sometimes I feel like it! This morning, we were having a sad moment and I teared up and told him I just feel like all the sweet, wonderful moments we used to have are gone.

Now he just comes over as I'm finishing up and we sit down and nosh. I feel like we've become my parents, lol! That actually strikes me a bit funny somehow. But seriously, we used to make such wonderful use of our time together and now it seems like whenever we have a bit of alone time, we just crash and stare at TV for 20 minutes and fall asleep. Our deep discussions have turned into, how can we build the business?I feel like I have been bashing the business, which is unintentional because what we are doing is actually something I've been dreaming of and wanting to do for about 6 years, and I am finally in a spot where I was able to do it, and have someone to help me with it. I love what we are doing and I recognize the problems as "ironing out the kinks." I don't consider going into business together to be a mistake.

I feel like we're on the verge of ruin right now and I do NOT want to be. I love him so much. He is the first person I have seriously been able to picture myself marrying and being happy with forever, and I've had much longer relationships.Any advice, thoughts, whatever, would be welcome...

Comments (5)

Your question was: Am I taken for granted?.

It sounds like stress has gotten the best of both of you. I don't feel you are being taken for granted as much as his feelings of despair and frustration are outweighing your needs right now. When people are miserable they focus on their personal pain and it is difficult to extend comfort to another, even if they are sinking with you.Is there a way you can take a break and get away for a few days? It doesn't have to be expensive, just a couple of days away so that your minds can rest.I'm sure his mood wont improve until he is done helping his mother with her business and your business is back on track. But...if you can break this tension maybe your mind can clear and then you will find other options available to you so that you can improve business while you are dealing with your shady supplier. Sometimes you have to force your mind and mood to shift...even if there is no tangible reason that things should improve...other than to improve your chances of gaining ground. If he is unable to force his mind and mood to change, maybe you can do it for yourself and then he can see that it may be the way for him to go too.

I know that sounds difficult to change gears when things seem glum, but it is the only way out that I can see for the two of you. As far as your relationship (thru goes, if you were a good team before the troubles arose, then you can get that back again with a little effort. Playing hard to get isnt going to do much except to add to a feeling of the ground is crumbling under his feet - nothing can be counted on. It would be better to reach out a hand to comfort him than toy with him.The supplier problems will be there, but if the both of you can refocus your minds to still look for opportunities to grow business and reconnect on an emotional level and start treating each other better...then things will get better. Since you are getting married, this is an excellent example of the "worse" in the "for better or for worse"..

Comment #1

Thanks snafu, I think you are right on. I'm not really playing hard to get, I just sometimes want to "force" him to remember he's lucky to have me, ya know? But I wouldn't do it. I know he needs me emotionally just like I do him. Also, we are not engaged, I just meant that I could see myself marrying him eventually. I really do think this is a temporary issue. We are making an effort to communicate and work on things. I just don't want us to lose respect or value of each other...

Comment #2

"I just sometimes want to "force" him to remember he's lucky to have me, ya know?" I understand.I give you credit going into business with a man with whom you are not married. I dont think I would that. I'm sure with you thinking of ways to make sure that the two of you don't lose love and respect, you wont...

Comment #3

Any business is a full-time job until you get it off the ground. If the person you are dealing with is not being fair to you, dump her and get someone else. I feel for you and your boyfriend.As long as you are beginning a business and not yet estabished, you will have many challenges to overcome. Take time out to be with each other and try to soothe each other. Maybe a massage or something that you find calming, would revive your closeness. good luck..

Comment #4

Thanks, and that's what we need to do, I know. Sometimes it's hard to step away for a bit and just be with other, as just a couple, not business partners. The thing is, I want to be in business with him. We make a great team. But the early days of a business are very hard, as you pointed out, and that's where we are. As for the supplier, she has been more than dumped, but unfortunately she made off with a ton of our borrowed money, so we get to pay interest on our loan while she gets to keep our money and not send us anything.

Thanks so much for your thoughts! It helped to just write about this...

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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