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Am I just freaking out too much??

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Hey all! I'm sure you all remember me, and all my posts in the past few weeks about the guy I'm dating. Well, I wanted to give an update...and ask for more advice!Basically, we have been hanging out and seeing eachother once a week, twice maximum. Lately it has been once a week, really. Anyway, we have been seeing eachother for 2 months now. Last night, we went out to dinner and then rented a movie and watched it at his house. It was a lot of fun.

He asked me if I missed him that week, and if it was hard for me waiting a whole week to see him again. I admitted that yes, it was hard. I asked him if it was hard not seeing me, and he said 'yes, but I made it' or something like that. Anyway, .then I told him that 'people think it's a little strange that we only see eachother once a week' ...I wanted to see what he would say about this. He said, well, it's smarter to move slower, because we don't want to take things too fast (like some friends we know) and then have things fizzle out.

I said, 'I thought my having a kid didnt bother you anymore?' and he said it didnt bother him, he just wanted to take things slower because of it. I then asked him what he wanted from our relationship. I was trying to be frank with him and have him be frank with me! He said that he wanted things to continue the way they were (slowly, seeing eachother once a week) for awhile longer...He said that when he moves out (within one year) then he will want to see me a lot more, and then get my child involved, of course. He asked "well do you want me to meet your child now?" and I asked him what HE wanted to do about that, what he felt comfortable with (I feel comfortable introducing him to my child at this point) and he said "well...I think I'd like to keep things the way they are for right now" ( I guess meaning that he wants to wait to meet my child) He said that this arrangement won't go on forever, but he just wants to take things slow right now, keep them as they are, and see if they develop. I also asked him last night, "what if you meet some other girl that you like?" and he said "i highly doubt it considering that it took my like forever to meet you" and I said "well what if you DO?" and he kind of looked awkward and said "new subject" ...now THIS concerned me a bit! Anyway, I feel that I am becoming DEEPLY attached to this guy, we have so much in common...and I am very attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him.

Every time I see him (that once a week) I feel like it's almost torture, knowing that I won't see him again for another week. It's so hard for me, and I can't understand why he is OKAY with only seeing me once a week. He said it was hard, but he managed. WHY not see eachother more?? He seems to be so insistent on going slow, not wanting things to "fizzle out"...I guess being smart about our relationship? He ALWAYS talks about the future, with me in it..for instance, he bought concert tickets for the middle of the summer, for him and I...and he always says "oh you will have to meet this friend of mine", etc., and even said that "when he has his own place, he will want to see me a lot more" I guess it is just weird for him living with his parents and having me over? He says we will get to enjoy our "own space" in his place.Basically, I want to keep seeing him, even on these terms, because I like him so much. I just wish that he would want to get serious with me...NOW.

Does anyone understand his logic, of going slow? Does it make sense? I hope so. I just have never been in a relationship (thru Match.com) before where things were so slow, they were all so intense and fast, thats probably why they didnt work out in the end. Any responses are greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance! Is there any hope for us?..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Am I just freaking out too much??.

I cant say I have walked in your shoes but I have dated guys who I saw almost 7 days a week, twice a week, one a week and I have been married and divorced to a couple of those scenarios. So there is no exact recipe for success except what the two of you MUTUALLY agree upon. Each couple handles things differently. It may very well be that because you have a kid he is going ultra slow. It doesn't sound like he is juggling you and another woman. It appears as though he wants to take the lead and determine the pace at which the two of you progress in your relationship. Have you ever just said to him, "I need more time with you in order to be happy"?..

Comment #1

Yes there is hope if you stop playing games and relate to him in an open and honest way - stop fishing for information, as in posing a question 'people think it's strange we only see each other on weekends' - no this is not strange at all. using what people think as a method to get him to talk is playing games. Get out of your head -stop analyzing, stop trying to control what he says or thinks or feels. you still seem so busy trying to 'not' seem something but you are. To answer your question am I freaking out too much - yes. A mature, emotionally balanced relationship (thru Match.com) between two people doesnt' have 'freak outs' you are still inside your own head trying to read between the lines that you not enjoying the only moment you have - NOW.Seeing each other more doesn't mean anything as far as increasing your bond - pushing it is trying to force intimacy.



Toni..

Comment #2

You are totally freaking out, but I can understand why. You just like him alot. It is important that you are direct about your own feelings and when you talk with him. Don't beat around the bush. You just said in your post that you don't want to waste your time. So don't waste your time fishing with your questions! Be direct! People start to be unhappy when things aren't mutual.

Either you deal with his wanting it slow or ditch him. I know, yah, easy to say, hard to do. You think, yah, but he is so great. Well, guess what, you are great too and you deserve to be happy. And by the way, you shouldn't be living for that one day a week you see him, not matter how great it is.

Make sure you have a full life of your own WITHOUT him so that a)the awesome times with him is like icing on your cake, but not the whole cake and b) if you break-up you won't have a meltdown because hel-lo - you actually have a life. So in conclusion, you just need to decide *what it is you want* and *what you are willing to accept* from this person. Turn back to your own words - you don't want to waste your time! So don't! If that once a week happiness is not enough for you and it *is* for him, well... there's your answer, right?..

Comment #3

I will agree with you on this point: based on the level of involvement and commitment this guy is giving her, she needs to reconfigure his dominance in her life. He can be part of her life, and add to the life she has already created, but to make him the center of her life is out of whack to her priority in his life. After two divorces I had said for years that I'd like a man to be part of my life, but I don't want him to BE my life. At that time I felt that putting a man or a relationship (thru Match.com) in the center of my little universe just got in the way of what I wanted for myself. I was happy dating (online dating with Match.com) my second ex husband 2 days a week at most and one of those days was attending our company's softball league games so we weren't exactly alone. And I was happy at that time with that arrangement.

He eventually pushed for marriage, I said yes and totally regret it. When you reposition someone in your life to be a priority and someone with whom you will create a new life together that, inevitably, takes center stage and each party does give up a part of their old life together to create that new life together that both want. My ex felt that marriage would be the same as dating, just living in the same household. How immature and ignorant. Just by watching his parents he should have seen how one sacrifices, at times, for the other and how they, as a family unit, decided what course their lives should take together - as a unit.

Having a child further complicates it but adds even greater prominence for a family unit mentality. If a guy can't demonstrate that ability, then he need not be married - maybe living together which has some impact on the choices one makes in life, but not like marriage...

Comment #4

He's being honest with you - it sounds like he does care about you but isn't in a position to move quickly or become serious just yet. You know where he stands and I wouldn't push too much.  It doesn't sound like he's I the market to meet anyone else. You can still see him and perhaps leave yourself open to meeting other people and/or do whatever you can not to put the weight of the world on him or his relationship.  Timing has a lot to do with many things in life and it might not be ideal for a serious push right now, but that's not terrible.  It is wise to move slowly and really get to know each other, especially when there's a child involved who obviously is the priority.  Good luck.

,..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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