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Afraid he will propose

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This is my first post and I hope I am in the right place for this discussion. A little history...I am turning 40 in a week, widowed three years ago and have two sons. I live in a small town in the South and communte to a larger city were I work as an Admin. Jim and I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 1.5 years and I am afraid he will propose next week on my birthday. We met online and for the most part it has been a good relationship. We seldom fight or disagree and things are mostly status quo.

Supportive, attentive, decent job, and not hard on the eyes. The problem is that I am not ready to get married. Other than a brief fling while Jim and I were apart there has been no one other than my first husband. Jim claims that he is "all in all done". I just can't wrap my head around the fact he is The One.

We had one of only two fights and he left. The problem is that we had this trip planned and paid for. With no way to change the names of the travelers and not feeling that it was safe to go alone, I let him back into my world. I am really worried that he will propose. Is it okay to say no to a proposal to someone that you once loved and still care about? Or is it better to accept in the moment and let the cards fall where they may when you get home? Any advice is welcomed..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Afraid he will propose.

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. In my opinion, it's always ok to say no to a proposal. After all, this is supposed to be the rest of your life that we're talking about. I think though the bigger question is, why are you with this man at all? I apologize if that sounded cold, but it sounds like you either did have feelings for him or do but that you don't love him but perhaps maybe feel like he's a great guy and maybe you'll grow to feel things? Or maybe you will feel things if you are over the past?At any rate, yes, say no to a proposal if you want to. But the larger issue is, do you want to be with him at all? If you don't, that's fine. Perhaps though taking a "break" before the proposal even occurs will help you reevaluate the situation.One other quick note, and I'm sorry if I'm off base here...but one of my best friend's mothers was widowed at 40...complete surprise to her, meaning there was no illness/warning.

She did and she will never marry again. That's ok too. It's whatever an individual needs.Good luck and please keep the board posted.Happy birthday...btw!.

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #1

I guess I don't understand how this hasn't come up in 1.5 years. It seems to me that if you know he wants to get married and you don't, you need to speak up, BEFORE the proposal happens!And yes, of course it's OK to say noit's much better than saying yes and disappointing him later. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Wouldn't you want the other person to be honest and upfront with you?Sheri..

Comment #2

I am very sorry for the loss of your first husband..

As for Jim, you absolutely, positively should say no if he proposes.  In fact, it might be a good idea to sit Jim down before you leave or when you get there over dinner and tell him that while you care for him that you are not in a place where you want to get married.  As another poster said, you seem as if you really don't even love him in the way you should in order to still be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with him much less his fiance or wife.  If you don't feel that way about him anymore, you need to tell him that too.  Yes, it will hurt him to hear that, but it will hurt him immensely more if you accept his proposal to "humor" him and then wind up giving back the ring later or marrying him because you feel sorry for him and divorcing down the line..

If he is not "the one" then you need to let him know that.  Continuing this and pretending you love him the way he loves you hurts everyone more - him, you, your sons... But as Sheri said, put the shoe on the other foot.  If you were very in love with someone and wanted to marry them, but they didn't feel the same about you, would you want them to "humor" you and agree to get married?  It is much more devastating the longer things go on..

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Comment #3

Absolutely do not say yes to a proposal unless you want to marry the person asking. To say yes when you are as uncertain as you are is wrong to him and to you.  Be tactful but honest..

,..

Comment #4

Thanks to all for your replies. We have talked about moving in together. But I have repeatedly told him I was not ready to get married. I hope and pray he doesn't propose, but just needed advice if it would be okay to say "no". We leave Saturday for a vacation in St. Lucia.

Been together 1.5 years, 40th birthday, romantic location... what is he thinking?Wow, saying no to a propasal is going to make for a loooooong flight home!Leslie..

Comment #5

For whatever reason, it doesn't sound like you are ready/prepared to end things. You say you talked about moving in but you reply you don't want to get married. To many people those can be very different things. It's almost like you are evading the issue.Do you want to be with this man? If not, perhaps you need to rethink the trip..

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #6

If you are looking for an "out" from the relationship (thru Match.com) I wouldn't think that even moving in together is a good idea. I'm sure you wouldn't like being strung along if the roles were reversed so why string him along?..

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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