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Advice for Match.com users?

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My question is: Advice for Match.com users?.

My 2nd question is: A little help, IVillagers! Please!.

 .

Okay, so there's this guy... (yeah, uh oh! that's how trouble always starts!) He's extremely shy, friendly, sweet and fun to be around. He's never been shy around me (for some reason) and we've been together for going on two months..

I met him through a mutual friend and right off the bat, we started dating. We aren't official but in little over a month's time, we've gone on numerous dinner dates, lunch dates, movies and we've even made dinner together. He took me to lunch with some family members of his and he even had me talking to his mom on the phone. Then he tells me that over the summer he wants me to go back home with him and stay with him and his family for a bit (home is another country, mind you!).

Now, where's the problem in all this, you ask? He went MIA a week ago so it put me of the defensive. I've been hurt by guys in the past so when a guy all of a sudden stops calling, I get a little scared. I asked him if everything was okay and he said it was fine. A few days later with no contact I got fed up and just asked him if he still cared about me. His respone: "I do still care about you. I should have told you sooner but I don't want and am not ready for a serious or comitted relationship.

I'm glad I know now. 'Night." And left it at that.

Not wanting to be just another notch in his belt, I deleted his number and cut off contact (we had been talking/texting every day but after deleting his number, we didn't even text). Two days later, he calls me asking if I'm mad at him. I told him no (a lie!) but that I was a little ticked off. The next day, he and I had lunch together and things were just like they had been before. He was even kissing my hand and trying to hold it. Then he tells me that, since I'm moving out of my dorm and have to move all my stuff from Gainesville to the Keys (an eight hour drive!), he wants to drive me in his truck down there to help out.



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Okay. IVillagers, please help me out! I don't know what to think. I really like this guy. His sister knows about me, he isn't afraid to be affectionate with me in public and he's introduced me to some of his family members... but what's this about him not wanting a serious relationship?? He sure does act like it!.

Is he just not ready, right now? Or is he just stringing me along? Any insight or opinions would be extremely helpful!.

P.S. We haven't done much more than kissing if that makes any difference..

Eternally grateful,.

-The Queen of Unsuccessful Relationships..

Comments (11)

<< I really like this guy. His sister knows about me, he isn't afraid to be affectionate with me in public and he's introduced me to some of his family members... but what's this about him not wanting a serious relationship?? He sure does act like it! >>.

Really liking someone or even loving them does not = wanting to be serious with them. This is a KEY difference between men and women. He has told you point blank that he is not ready for a serious relationship. BELIEVE HIM. His actions do NOT mean he is ready for a serious relationship (thru Match.com) - his actions mean he LIKES you and enjoys your companionship. THAT IS IT!  You are projecting your thoughts and feelings and actions of what a serious relationship (thru Match.com) is on to him - that is what is getting you mixed up.

<<Is he just not ready, right now? Or is he just stringing me along? Any insight or opinions would be extremely helpful!>>.

By and large - most men (and many women) have to achieve certain things in their lives before being 'ready' to be serious and commit to someone. They get 'ready' and then find someone they are well matched with and love. And they can meet a GREAT person who is well matched for them and still not be ready! Meeting that person doesn't change that fact. Its like being hungry. You either are or you aren't. If you aren't hungry, then you will not be enticed to eat by any food put in front of you.  Most women, on the other hand, fall in love and then want to commit - they see food they like and 'get hungry'..

Hon, this isn't about you. He has things that he wants and needs to accomplish for himself before he is willing and able to take on the responsibilities and obligations of committing to another person. he is being honest and open with you about this. Respect what he is teling you and respect yourself enough to let him go. If you want commitment now - he isn't your guy. He will miss you but he isn't selling what you are looking to buy - find another seller..

<<-The Queen of Unsuccessful Relationships>>.

FWIW - there is no such thing as an 'unsuccessful' relationship. All relationships are opportunities to grow and mature. There is nothing unsuccessful in becoming clearing in your goals and developing your character. Looking at it in the negative way you are is self defeating - it implies there is something wrong with you - and there isn't.

Ask yourself what you can learn from this relationship:.

Qualities and characteristics that you must and must not have? How you expect and want to be treated? How much you love and respect your own self and your goals? That letting go of 'almost' leaves you open for 'Just right'?.

You can be angry or you can use it to your benefit. So you two are in different places - that happens. Accept that it is and move on. Holding onto the negative energy and anger keeps you in a bad place. Choose to move forward and live happy. Let him go gracefully and with dignity.



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Toni..

Comment #1

Aaah, thank you for your insight..

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You're right. I need to let him go. Friends only... maybe he'll come around but he's going to have to do it in his own time and I'm not going to wait for it..

Thanks again, Toni!..

Comment #2

I wouldnot recommend 'friends' - you have stronger feelings than that. Establish no contact for a few months and then reassess 'friendship'.  Letting go - means just that - letting go. people who are mean to be in our lives will - when it's the right time. Don't make it harder on yourself..

Toni..

Comment #3

Hi foreverfalling,.

Welcome to the board!!!.

Okay, first off you can't lie to your man!!  he's being honest with you and you have to do the same.  On the drive to the keys, you should talk to him.  You will have plenty of time.  Tell him that he is sending mixed signals and that it's not okay with you.  If the trip to his family home means more to you than it does to him - I'd consider not going.  In a relationship, each side is equally responsible for making the relationship (thru Match.com) what they want.  The trick is making sure you put the other sides ideas into the picture..

Good luck,.

 .

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Comment #4

<<On the drive to the keys, you should talk to him.  You will have plenty of time.  Tell him that he is sending mixed signals and that it's not okay with you.  >>.

He is NOT sending mixed signals - he very clearly told her where he was. His actions are not about what a relationship (thru Match.com) looks like - his actions are indicative of 'liking and enjoying' someone's companionship.   It is the OP's POV that certain things look and feel like a relationship (thru Match.com) - not his.  When a man tells you something you don't want to hear - there is nothing unclear about it. He is stating what is true for him - there is nothing 'mixed' about that..

I do agree that if the OP sees staying with the family as an indicator that he wants more, then she shouldn't go - because she is then believing what she wants to believe rather than what he has told her is true for him.

It is her choice to continue to see him - but she does so at her own risk - he has stated his boundaries - nothing serious. If she chooses to not believe them, she is in for a world of hurt. If she respects both his and her own boundaries, then she will just let him go gracefully and find someone who is willing to be serious with her.

You can't make an apple be an orange - no matter how long you try or how much you try to convince it. An apple remains an apple.  If you have to convince someone to be with you in the manner you want and need - you are trying to make an apple into an orange.

This is a good guy - he is being honest and open. Listen to what he SAYS and choose what's best for you accordingly.

Toni..

Comment #5

<< His respone: "I do still care about you. I should have told you sooner but I don't want and am not ready for a serious or comitted relationship. I'm sorry."  >>.

In no way, shape or form is that sending mixed signals.  That is very clear.

Of course, many men (and women, too) are quite ok with just dating (online dating with Match.com) and the companionship of another whom they enjoy being around.  That doesn't mean they want or are ready for a relationship, though..

So, he is not stringing you along by doing nice things for you or spending time with ... it just means he likes you..

However, while he was honest with you ... you were not honest with him ... you deleted his number and cut off contact (after learning that he didn't want what you wanted) ... and quite frankly, that should have been the end of it ... but, you let him back in ... so, unless you are REALLY just ok with spending time with him ...

My advice is:  be honest with him, too!   Break it off and do what is best/right for you...

Comment #6

Hi Toni,.

I do disagree about him sending mixed signals and I'm not saying he is a bad guy at all.  Sometimes guys don't know they are sending mixed signals.  They can't read out  minds and don't know how we are interpretting what he doesn.  I think it is part peoples responsibility to communicate to each other.  Her guy is being kind in asking her presence with his family, but to her this is a big step.  They just simply define things differently.  And thus causes confussion.  I think she needs to tell him how she feels.  otherwise he will continue to act the same way and she will continue to feel confussed.  Just because someone doesn't intend to be confussing doesn't mean that they are not confussing.  it's all about perception..

Just my two cents :0)  Love having your opinions on the board!!!.

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Comment #7

He is not responsible for how she thinks and sees things. She is. He has said "I don't want this" nothing unclear in that at all. He has no way of knowing that she assigns certain actions to mean 'I want a relationship" even after saying it to her. SHE is responsible for listening and understanding that what he says is what he means regardless of if she sees actions that fit her 'relationship scenario' It is on her to communicate to him "I don't do that unless I am in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone".

Yes - they need to communicate. But he is being honest in where he is and his actions are not out of line with his POV - he is being and doing what he percieves to be ok with someone he likes. And she needs to listen to what he says. If she is confused by his actions - it's because her POV says they mean this - therefore, she is the one responsible for asking for clarity.

Mixed signals only occur when someone projects their own POV to someone else - she thinks doing x means Y and therefore assumes he also thinks doing x means Y - when in fact to him doing x meand doing x and nothing more. .

He isn't sending her mixed signals - she is looking at his actions through her filter - and if that confuses her, then it's because of her own filters, not his signal.

Toni..

Comment #8

<< Sometimes guys don't know they are sending mixed signals.  >>.

Sometimes women (some, not most ... but many) simply refuse to hear what a guy is actually saying.   He said he didn't want a relationship, anything serious.  I don't see any thing "mixed" about that signal.  It seems pretty clear, IMO.   .

If the OP continues to date using Match.com him ... knowing this ... then she has no basis for being upset later if/when it goes south and/or she wants more ... when he SAID that a relationship (thru Match.com) wasn't his intention.

<< They can't read out  minds and don't know how we are interpretting what he doesn.   >>.

Ummhmm, they particularly can't read minds when a woman is saying things are "fine" but is actually PO'd inside.  The OP herself admitted she lied (about how she felt).   So, how is he AT ALL sending her mixed signals?   Just because he enjoys her company?  And let's look at the facts ... she told him things were FINE ... so, he's taking that at face value ... meanwhile, she's stewing about it and posting on a message board ... she's been honest with US ...



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Comment #9

So his words and actions are not matching - that means something isnt right.  In your case I would go with his words of not wanting to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) at the moment.  He is warm and affectionate...that doesnt mean he wants a relationship (thru Match.com) with you. Some people do pull back when the relationship (thru Match.com) is casual but some do not..

He is not stringing you along - you are not accepting what you got yourself into.  If you want to change things then you'll need to discuss the status of your relationship (thru Match.com) with him...

Comment #10

I just want to say - dont try to squeeze an orange for lemonade. If he told you he doesnt want to be an item, then dont assume he feels otherwise..

I dated a guy for a few months before my current bf, and I met all his family, we planned some trips together, I even hung out with his mother! I felt like it unmistakingly had to become serious. But I was completely wrong, as he also started disappearing for a few days at a time, and found out quickly that he had many girl "friends" and apparently I had the wrong idea all along..

Just keep your options open. And unless it works out in your own schedule / life and you can have no expectations with this guy, then I wouldnt go stay with him in his country either. (is it a cultural difference that ppl ask others to come home w/ them?!).

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Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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