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Aah..friendfinder and match.com creating lot's of probs.wat to say..lot's of pop up windows. any ide

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My first question is: Aah..friendfinder and match.com creating lot's of probs.wat to say..lot's of pop up windows. any ide.

My next question is: I would really appreciate any advice..I recently started dating (online dating with Match.com) my ex-boyfriend again, who I'm still really in love with. It's really new still and we're doing well, I'm excited to be starting again, but there is one problem... He has a female friend who is completely in love with him (she's told him this multiple times), and who caused a lot of problems between us when we were together previously. When we very first started dating (online dating with Match.com) for the first time he lied about her, saying that they had had a relationship (thru Match.com) previously and slept together even though they had not - he later confessed that he told me this because he was intimidated that I was more experienced than him - later he admitted that it was not true. Anyway it caused some issues obviously, since they still hung out and she was all over him.But the real problem was that she was very disrespectful to me, was overtly flirtatious with him, and would often try to hook up with him even though we were together at the time. He says she just acted like that because she felt like I was taking one of her best friends away from her.

I think it was her own problem, not mine. Also, before we got back together they kissed one night when he was drunk. We were not together at the time, so I can't be mad about it..but I'm not happy about it, seeing as how she's so into him and this can't help the situation.I see that she is very insecure.. I know that they are good friends and I don't want to tell him to stop seeing her, I don't want to issue some kind of ultimatum like that but there has to be a line between what is acceptable and unacceptable. I've told him I will not tolerate this kind of behavior or disrespect from her and he seems to understand..but I'm very afraid that this will cause problems between us in the future..and I will not deal with them again.I don't think I should have to deal with this kind of behavior from anyone, much less a boyfriend who allows his female friend to behave this way and to treat me with this utter lack of respect.

I dont have a lot of experience in this department (I was very young when we dated the first time) and I want to make sure that this time around I don't let myself get walked on or disrespected by him, or her..I'm not that experienced in this department..I would really appreciate any thoughts on exactly what to tolerate and what not to tolerate in terms of this behavior, and how to nip it in the bud now and prevent the issues from our first relationship (thru Match.com) repeating themselves this time around. I don't want to feel jealous or like I need to ask him who he's hanging out with and whether he was with her alone, which I don't feel very comfortable with, based on her past behavior....

Comments (6)

Your question was: Aah..friendfinder and match.com creating lot's of probs.wat to say..lot's of pop up windows. any ide.

Something like this really should have been discussed prior to reconciling as an outstanding issue that needs to change so that it doesnt interfere with the relationship (thru Match.com) again..

Okay, so he is a tad immature to say that he and his friend were involved when they werent because of his insecurities.  Is he over that type of behavior? Because it is very destructive behavior..

I dont date using Match.com men seriously who want to maintain female friendships because my personal opinion is that opposite sex friendships strip the romantic relationship (thru Match.com) of emotional intimacy and stagnate any growth or depth to a romance.  I dont have close male friends and I never really did.  My first exhusband did not have female friendships and my second exhusband did and those women did prove to be a problem regarding territorial issues like what you are facing..

If it were me I'd tell the guy to ditch the girl. But, you may have a completely different point of view and way you see relationships...

Comment #1

The fact that she is "into him" and that they kissed takes them past that friendship boundary. Therefore, it's up to HIM - not her - to set things right. If my BF had a friend act like that with him and he was still close to her - close enough that they kissed - she could have him. I would have nothing to do with him. Boundaries are important in relationships; we can't set them for 3rd parties, however. Your BF should be able to give her up altogether for your relationship's sake.



CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #2

First and foremost, it's never a good idea to get back together with an ex if the reasons/problems/issues for why you broke up in the first place are not resolved.  In your case, it doesn't sound like these things were resolved.   It sounds like you got back together just for the sake of giving it another shot ... a lot of people get back together b/c they "miss each other" ... but, if the reasons for the break-up in the first place are not resolved then ... you have NO BUSINESS being back together..

Secondly, this is not a relationship (thru Match.com) I would choose to be in.  Here's why:.

What you're not "getting" is that ... a guy does not choose to be friends with a woman who's "so into him" if he wasn't getting something out of it.   No above-board guy would choose this situation.   In all fairness to his GF (you!) and the friend who "wants him" ... the right thing to do is cut the friend loose.  Its not fair to her ... and certainly not to you..

Which means ... he's getting something from this ... some level of personal satisfaction, ego stroking ... maybe more ... who knows?  ... but, fact is ...

Otherwise, he woudln't be choosing it..

That is why ... if I were you ... I would not choose to be in this relationship.   ..

Comment #3

After reading the responses I have to agree mostly with starbuck. This doesn't sound like a genuine, honest relationship (thru Match.com) with a future and I'm surprised you jumped right back into the fire with this guy.To be honest I think your aversion to telling your recently-not-ex boyfriend to get rid of her is because you're afraid of losing him. Or you're afraid of him choosing her over you. If I were with someone I loved and wanted a future with, and my guy friend professed his feelings, I'd decline and ask that he respect my relationship. If he persisted the way this girl is persisting, I'd tell him to take an effin' hike. Anyone in a loving relationship (thru Match.com) would do that.

Getting angry, talking, yelling, crying, that doesn't show you're unwilling to tolerate it. When you're serious that you can't deal with something, you say, "either this changes or I leave" and when it doesn't change, you leave. That's how to not tolerate.I think you should have been gone long before anyway, and left this relationship (thru Match.com) in the past where it belongs. It's his decision to stick with her or not and unfortunately it seems he's already made the choice to keep her around. You deserve a better boyfriend...

Comment #4

Hate to say it, but your bf's a loser..

For over two years, my friend had been "the other woman" in a relationship.  When she was ready to ask him out seemed to be a week after he had gotten into a relationship (thru Match.com) with a married woman.  The married woman was screwing him and having sex with a lot of other people too.  We didn't find out that she was having sex with more people than him, until sometime after the 1st year..

When my friend asked, since the m.w. was obviously polygymous, then they should date using Match.com as well, he said he wanted to be faithful and monogomous with the m.w...

He never told my friend that he loved her (or not), or if the m.w. was getting a divorce (or even seperated).  The one time he called my friend and she didn't pick up.  He was really mad.  When we last saw him, they got into an arguement.  What sense does it make for him to be that hurt if he didn't have any feelings for my friend?.

She loved him enough before his relationship (thru Match.com) with that skank, that she kept trying to tell him that I wanted the best for him, yet he never went for it.  Maybe he wanted my friend to tell him that she loved him..

Sometime after the friendship was over, I see him write something along the lines of, "I was so sick that I needed to go to the hospital and I know my girlfriend is the only person who loves me enough to take me there".  I found that offensive based on knowing how much she had cared about him, I care about him, seeing how much his other friends care for him, and he also has family.  I've seen his sister before and I can tell she also loves him.  So, I guess some people can call him a loser for that..

 .

I guess what I'm trying to get to is, if he never bothers to tell his friend how he feels about her or how he feels about you, then you know how he feels about you..

P.S. - that girl never refered to him as her boyfriend, or even by name.  And, he just about never mentions her at all.  (You can understand why you don't mention the name of the married person you're dating.)  So you can understand why I felt that they didn't love each other...

Comment #5

Yes, this is a situation where he has to make a clear choice - she is trying to seduce him into something way more than a platonic friendship and he has to set her straight pronto.

,..

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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