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80/20 Rule

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I just saw the new movie Why Did I Get Married? The 80/20 rule was brought up. Basically, it states that in a LTR, that the best you can hope for is to find 80 percent compatiblity and people make mistakes and leave for the person that fulfills the other 20 percent and then regrets it. Agree or Disagree?..

Comments (6)

Your question was: 80/20 Rule.

Disagree.  There is evidence of healthy and loving relationships around.  It doesn't mean that they are perfect, but they work out.  It's difficult, but I think it just takes total commitment, loyalty, responsibility, etc (of course love, but that one was a given..).  Anyway, I don't think I'd want to be 100% compatible with someone - aside from virtually impossible since each human being is inherently unique, it would be boring to be totally totally compatible (and perhaps we need a definition of compatible here if I am using it in the wrong way).  In any case, 80% compatibility seems pretty hight o me as it is.  So in addressing that 20% part and seeking it in someone else, maybe they can seek that with other friends or family - other people that fill our lives - but it certainly doesn't mean they have to cheat!  ..

Comment #1

I didnt see the movie so thanks for sharing.  I think 80% compatibility is fantastic.  I dont think that people leave a SO because of honest mistakes.  I think that people leave a SO because they both have changed and aren't 80% compatible any longer, someone cheated, money issues, child rearing issues, lack of sex drive, and so on. .

If someone is lured by the 20% that someone else can give him or her...it will lead to a disaster down the road, complete with regrets about getting hurt...however...they still wouldnt be back with the 80% person after that.  That person wouldnt be enough for him or her any longer.  They would look for it ALL within a person and never really find it...because what are the odds?  So they appear commitmentphobic when they are just unrealistic or childish.  People who leave for "greener grass" or lured by a shining jewel imbedded within a noncompatible person (like a talent or a shared single passion which hits him or her like a ton of bricks - a big *wow*) - are not ready for a real relationship (thru Match.com) or just want to get laid by that 20% person...they get sexually charged by that person in such a way that the 80% person could not compete with ever again..

People are so mislead by movies and romance novels that if they can find love, lust and like within a relationship...then they have it MADE. .

 ..

Comment #2

I read this somewhere I forget - better expanded - that no one  person can meet 100% of another person's needs - at best they can meet 80% - this covers all aspects: mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, security. Each of these makes up 20% of what equals a well balanced relationship (thru Match.com) (JMHO anyway). One area can be weaker than the other but the relationship (thru Match.com) remains strong. If 2 or more areas are weak, then the relationship (thru Match.com) can have serious problems.

And yes, I agree with the 80/20. I have friends and family who are very compatible with their partners yet still need interests and friendships outside of their partnership/marriage. Either the SO isn't interested or isn't capable of providing the necessary stimulation that the other needs. Many of them have been married a long time..

People who leave for the '20%' often see that as the most important part or something they can't live without.  This is 'greener grass' thinking.  This is something each person has to decide for themselves and know before getting married or deeply involved.  it is not reasonable to think or expect one person to fill all your needs.  But when you know what really matters to you and communicate openly and honestly with your partner, you can navigate teh differences much more easily. And you can also find ways to fill the holes that doesn't adversely affect your relationship..

Toni..

Comment #3

Thanks Toni. Youd expanded well. To me the 80/20 rule makes perfect sense. I have decided not to settle for less..

Comment #4

Good for you - make sure you know what you can't live without - I've heard lots of stories on line and from other friends who are missing something that means a great deal to them from their relationships or marriages - and it has caused lots of unhappiness and stress. .

If you know lots of sex is important to you yet your SO has a lower sex drive or is not satisfying you (and you worked together to improve it) then this is likely part of the equation that you must have. If having an intelligent and stimulating conversation with your SO is important and s/he isn't that deep, then maybe not the one.

These are the things each of us must decide if we can live without or not - the deal breakers. Lots of people marry someoen they love but those marriages may lack the 'passion' (not necessary sex here - but the 'it' factor that keeps them in peace and joy with each other) to go the distance. you can like, love, enjoy someone - but if something key is missing, it will not grow..

This is why is paramount to know what you want out of life and relationships - what you can do without and what you must have.

Best regards,.

 .

Toni..

Comment #5

Beleive me I know...I was married for 20 years to a man that I am still good friends with and share 2 awesome kids with, but we did not have 80. My current boyfriend is not 80, but I think that I have now found close to it. So the current guy will be gone this week and I will begin with extreme caution with the new one...

Comment #6


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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