Your question was: 10 points for best answer!!!! My guy is still match.com?.
It is normal to stress a little in your situation because you just got things going and now he is leaving for a month. I see he did not contact you while he was away for work. Did he say he'd call you while away for the month? it is probably wise to keep your feelings in check until he returns in January. ..
The timing isn't the greatest obviously but you've only seen him a few times - you're projecting alot of need and desire on him that is more about you, not him since the two of you don't know each other that well. So chill, live your life... do other things when you start obsessing.
Say that while you hope he has a great time and brings back lots of pix and good stories you feel it would be nice if there was a way to keep in touch a little..
We havent yet discussed what will happen next week. he just promised to give me a book to read before he leaves coz he really likes it and recommended. I havent written him since Friday and just sort of stand back and wait for him to look for me. especially given the way I feel right now about him I prefer to see that he cares. When he returns I will be gone myself for my own vacation. Sooo.. Basically we will meet when I will be back (a week later than him..)what to do??? I dont want to lose him without really having to get to know him..although - it's his call huh..
Ok he just wrote on MSN. said that at work lots of pressure coz he will be gone in a week. explains why he cant chat to me during work hours. ouuffff he didnt ask me out though yet..grrrr..
An idea: why not call him and tell him you'd like to see him before he goes but you know time is something he is in short supply of right now...so...why not stop by with some chinese or pizza and hang out and watch a movie?..
I like your idea. you think he will not take it as a screaming "im so into you" message? yday on msn I saw that he cares still coz he was asking me all about my past week, promised lots of pictures from his upcoming trip, etc.
I guess I could... next time we talk if he doesnt say anythign himself... I hesitate why is he so slow?? he flirts so I know I'm not just a friend to him but yet he is absolutely not in a rush! he tells me about his evenings so sounds like he is not seeing someone else... I dont get him... im so impatient! lol..
You are right. it's important to keep eyes wide open and not to fall into the trap "he is so sweet". we all are sweet and nice at the beginning of the relationship, with our "best foot forward"....
And I can completely relate to your experience with that guy...my ex was a bit like that. it's was up to me to adjust most of the time to his demands, expectations, life, schedule, it was me who didnt appreciate wonderful poor him.
Hell with those who make us cry! I know for sure that I want to be with someone who will do all just to be with me, who will never make me doubt his feelings, who will love and appreciate me. so I will give this guy 1-2 more days and if he doesnt propose anything I will tell him I want to see him this Fri-Sat. our past dates were always on Saturday and always fixed around wed-thursday so I want to hang and see if he really plans to see me.
In the meantime I accepted a date using Match.com with another guy. I guess I just want to be sure I dont fall in love prematuraly with this guy. Coz I really truly appreciate everything about him so far-his maturity, his way of being with me, etc, etc. So I need to stand back a bit and have a perspective.
We'll see how it goes... I would really want it to work out but as you said - if he doesnt plan to see him before leaving and if he never keeps in touch (although I know that he will do 5-6 cities in 3.5 weeks and his mobile will not be working) - then I guess he is not that into me. he just wants a friend with whom he can flirt occasionally. and that means I dont need him. I want more than that..
You sound like you have your act together lady...hehehe. Definitely dont rule him out completely...see what he does. But, if a guy really wants to call you he can use the phone in the hotel room or use a prepaid phone card (calls are cheap with the card). There is no excuse for not calling..
Enjoy your date using Match.com with the other guy. It's good that you know what you want from men and from relationships. Too many women settle for what the guy wants to give and they never end up feeling good about themselves or the relationship..
Oh yes, in the beginning people do generally put their best foot forward and it can take months or years for the true self to come out. That happened to me with my second ex husband. He talked all about being a "good person" and how important it was and how he respected me more than any other woman he ever met. Now, looking back I see that if he never respected any woman *until* me...then he had a problem with respect for women...period. And I wasnt paying attention to that because I never met anyone like that before so I just wrote it off to the fact that he dated losers. Now I know it is a bad sign. Fast forward...I am hoping to put him in jail for burglary and vandalism to my home. So much for being a *good person*..
Maturity is very important. You see...people dont realize that until they are in a crises..they really dont know their boyfriend or husband. How men handle situations and how they treat you during those situations is vital in determining whether to stick with a relationship (thru Match.com) or move on. In the case I described to you in the previous post, this guy started out at rock bottom with me and that is his best foot forward? No wonder he dates skanks. They are the only ones who will put up with him..
"then I guess he is not that into me. he just wants a friend with whom he can flirt occasionally. and that means I dont need him. I want more than that'> sounds like a plan!!! Good luck!.
I just do not get men. when you are cold and not interested they run like puppies after you. when you relax and just want to be urself, when you show your interest to them in return they cool off and stop the 'hunt'. this guy would chase me for a month before I accepted to meet him and now I sit and wonder if he still cares...or another guy - I saw how much interested he was in me and told him that I do not feel that way about him. he STILL calls me and wants to hang out and do things together. to 'just be around me'.
I can bet my money on 'yes'. my best friend says that you should never show them that you are 'caught', that you really like them. that you should at times 'forget' to call back, not reply to his call or message, refuse/postpone dates. this is when he will always stay on alert and not lose his interest. by nature I rarely fall in love or really like someone.
Is that too much to handle for a guy?? or should I play that game to keep him 'on the hook'??take this guy - I told myself 'he is leaving and if I disappear and not show my feelings towards him it all will die out'. so i'm around! but somehow now he is not in a rush to talk to me, to see me, to hang out...what on earth is wrong with them?? or is it me?? grrri feel like showing him my bitchy side and sit back and wait for some action without ever proposing myself to meet and to move things forward.....
If you play "games" with people, you will attract people that "play games". Do you want this guy to play you...not call you back, postpone dates just because he wants to see how interested you are? I don't think you would care for that too much. Games have no business in an mature adult honest relationship.If you keep picking guys that do the same thing to you, the common denominator in this is you. What kind of signals are you giving? Like attracts like.You need to realize that if you have a full life for yourself, there will be no need to play games... "forget" to call or anything like that. If you have a full life of your own, then if they call and you have something else going on then you tell them I have other plans and suggest another time, you don't lie about, if they call and you want to talk to them you pick up the phone, if not then don't, but don't do it just to test someone, do it because you do have a life that does not revolve around them.You haven't known this guy long, he has a life of his own and it is way too early to think that you are a priority in his life, just as he shouldn't be one in yours...
Thank you for your reply. i'm glad to hear that games is not a good solution.
"You haven't known this guy long, he has a life of his own and it is way too early to think that you are a priority in his life, just as he shouldn't be one in yours." Fully agree and I guess this is what I needed to hear.
Coz this is my problem. I have a pretty much full life but once I like someone I put them on the top of my priorities. For example, I know that this guy is leaving soon so I refused all hang outs with my friends this friday and saturday hoping that I can see him before he leaves. How silly huh? I just did not want to committ with my friends and then cancel last minute...I have plan B for both days in case he doesnt appear (gym+shopping).
So it is silly to worry that he doesnt write me daily so far? Or that we might not meet up at all until he leaves (on his initiative)? Coz right now I do not feel like inviting him anywhere myself...
I guess I worry that once I will be back in town on 8th january all feelings (his but mine as well...) will be gone and the moment will be lost. hm, complicated.....
You shouldn't refuse your friends hoping he will see you.... Don't put your life on hold for him or anyone else.... Life is meant to be lived. It's your life, live it for yourself not for someone else.If you don't feel comfortable asking to see him for a few minutes before he leaves then don't , just continue on with your life just like before you met him. If you want to call him before he leaves, tell him you hope he has a good time on his vacation.Hon... if he is interested 1 month is not going to make a difference.
If it's meant to be it will be.. Good luck...
Thank you..... I do feel better and realise that I stress over nothing. created drama in my head and freak out. pfff...
I guess I need to learn to be more patient and hold myself from getting into "he is so great, I want to be with him" mode too soon.
Once again, thank you and thank you to the board members for the continious support. I do hope to revert soon with good news..
Games are never good. If someone tries to elicit a response with a game tactic it usually backfires. The best thing you can do is either call him yourself and invite yourself over (you CAN do this you know) or...let him make the moves. But you may not like what he decides. Yes, after a while the spark and enthusiasm does die down and you may not be so excited to see him later. There is nothing wrong with making someone a priority...so dont stop doing that and dont stop getting excited or wanting to be with him - why would you stifle your emotions? When both of you are excited at the same time is when it is right. This guy may just not be the right fit for you...
Yep, he might not be the right one. funny how at the beginning they are jumping over their own head (one our last date using Match.com he came on the bike - over 1h ride on a frosty day-coz we had transportation strike) and then he is too busy for a small talk (this morning when I finally wrote him on a chat to check if he is ok). ok-it might still be that he is super busy at work on his last days before he closes the year and the month (he is financial controller) or that he is really excited about the trip and forgot all the world around him. fine. but my life goes on too....
So after this board discussion I changed my priorities and went out yday with friends and had a blast. and tonight going for dinner with my "gang". and tomorrow I got girls shopping and then theater. and sunday I got a date using Match.com with another guy after my salsa class - we will go check out x-mas decoration downtown. so I'm asking myself if I really lost the case with that guy. possible...
That he is still excited over the idea that he met me.
I didnt like the fact that he cut our discussion short this morning. so I changed my mind over initiating things myself. will sit back and watch him worry about our date. I can still squeeze him into my day tomorrow or monday. if not - let him leave on Wed and look for me once I'm back in January....
Hm, frustrating - yes. but I'm tired of worrying over this.....
If you didnt get a good feeling about him on the phone then it was a good idea that you did not take it further. I know what you mean about needing a guy to feel as excited as you. If too much time goes by and he gets back to you - you may be the one lacking excitement for him and he'll sense it. Timing is everything in life and when it comes to love if you snooze you lose...for sure. Have fun with the salsa guy and shopping and theater and forget about this financial dude...
Yes go on with your life as if he's not in it. That way if something happens it will be a pleasant surprise but not the be all and end all.
Know what? I've been there! I've been impatient and appreared like a needy! I lost two guys I liked after then...So beware not to show signs that you do need more attention from him cause he might pull off... Guys tend to know each girl they meet by taking time and letting things go naturally.. don't be afraid to lose him..I know the xact feeling but just be strong to resist the longing for him...
While I think it's a girl's nature to yearn for more connection and attention from that special person.. But if you show it to him, and you might appear needy, more likely he will get turned off or worse get scared.. Just relax and focus your attention to your work, family, friends and don't make him the center of your attention cause you might not be able to handle the pressures...I've learned my lessons well.. check out "UNDERSTANDING MEN" here in ivillage.....
Ouf, your posts came at the perfect moment. here I am staring at my screen and feeling unhappy coz he is leaving tomorrow and he still hasn't contacted me (i havent written him since last friday chat).
U r SOO right. I know I need to shake of this feeling and just go on. I read Snafu's article on chemistry and felt even worse. coz I just dont get why I got so much into him. that chemistry that I havent felt for ages for anyone. I want to get to know him, I like his maturity, his looks, his way of being, we have so much in common (at some point we were even joking that one of us is being a copy cat-our hobbies, interests in life, experiences, even little silly habits..) I ask myself how can I be so silly of feeling that way if I barely know him, if I never even kissed him, if he never even held my hand!!!.
He was so into me and now I sit and wonder why for a whole week he has never initiated a talk or written me. And I still wonder if I should send him 'bon voyage" email before I leave work tonight. Should i??.
I will let go and I will give him space and watch if he comes back. Its just the knowing that he is leaving in 24h and the fear to lose it. Silly, silly...
I can understand your feelings and pride. Still, I think given the time that will pass between you - it doesn't hurt to send a bon voyage message if that is what you wish..
Either way you will find out more only when you guys are back in the same place in a month...
I believe you meant this for the original poster, but it came to my email instead. Not sure if she checks the board or relies on email notification so I thought I'd let you know...
<<So beware not to show signs that you do need more attention from him cause he might pull off>>.
<<But if you show it to him, and you might appear needy, more likely he will get turned off or worse get scared.>>.
I know what you are getting at here - BUT there is a HUGE difference in 'not showing that you need attention' and actually 'not needing' it from a man.
When (general) you are secure in who you are and what you offer, then you are also ok with the natural flow of getting to know someone, you communicate what you want in your life openly and honestly, and you let him know what your boundaries are and when they've been crossed. You don't worry about 'appearing' needy or 'scaring' someone off becuase you are being genuine and well balanced with your emotions. Your feelings/moods do not change with his attention or interest and your focus on him is healthy - not your reason for breathing every day..
Far too many women who are otherwise 'together' get really stupid with men - they go straight for instant relationships - and any remotely sane man WILL run and run fast. 'acting' cool when you are really a bundle of nerves inside is also easy for men to see - they might not know what it is that is wrong - but they can sense the incongruence in you - and will not want to be around you very much..
Work on your confidence and build the love and acceptance in yourself that you want a man to fill. THAT is when you ARE anything but needy..
Ok, I wrote him a one line email and within seconds received this :.
"Thanks, I ll show you the photos.. Enjoy your holidays too!".
So....i step out and, as you say, lets see in one month...
Thanks a lot to all of you for your replies. I do feel SO much better..
I agree yes and no. when you fall in love, like that - without even really truly knowing the person- it's a bit natural to want to see him, be excited, expect phonecalls, attention. reminds me the schooltimes I am not someone who easy falls for someone but when I fall I fall hard. which is no good I agree. I expect right away lots of attention and want things go fast. I get disappointed when I do not see it from the guy's side.
Most of my relationships were the result of a slow 'get to know u' experience. When at the start I either didnt care, or was not really attracted but the guy won me over. Those relationships were strong and happy pretty much.
The times when I fell in love 'at first glace' it hardly ever worked out. Just once- but ended with a huge crash in 3 months coz the guy felt overwhelmed. sad made me cry my eyes out but was also a good learning for me. so I agree that I need to take a deep breath and stay cool, not letting myself get deeper into emotions. I really like this guy and would want it to work out. coz no one else so far impressed me that much...so.....
Gosh, why is it so complicated?..
<<<when you fall in love, like that - without even really truly knowing the person- it's a bit natural to want to see him, be excited, expect phonecalls, attention. reminds me the schooltimes>>.
This isn't 'love' - it's infatuation and no, it doesn't last. As you gain wisdom and maturity, you'll be better equipped to discern the difference. And building your self confidence will go a long way in how you respond to the desire for attention. Just because you want attention doesn't mean you NEED it. This is the crazy making behavior that ruins things before they start..
"I know what you are getting at here - BUT there is a HUGE difference in 'not showing that you need attention' and actually 'not needing' it from a man.".
Very true. ..
I see your point. the attention is "nice to have" but not my "need to survive". so what to do? not to expect anything? not to allow self to get carried away until I see solid moves? to date using Match.com others but keep him on radar?.
Well, if you have a pattern of pouring all your energy into a man you like, then it would be smart to figure out why? what is it that you hope to achieve in doing so? Does it work for you - do you like yourself when you do it? (I would think it's not working and you aren't happy with your behavior or you wouldn't have posted!).
I read somewhere (I forget where) about keeping 3 people in your dating (online dating with Match.com) rotation at all times until you find someone and you both agree to be exclusive - 1 is the guy you like and enjoy most, another is someone you like and has potential but maybe not as sure about and the 3rd guy is one that you think you'd like to know - guy 1 gets more time in dates and calls, guy 2 gets a little less and guy 3 is someone you maybe have had coffee with or are inthe phone call stage with. the trick with this is you HAVE to know what it is you are looking for in a partner and relationship (thru Match.com) and in your life. You also have to know what you bring to the table (are you an asset ar a liablity in your emotional, financial and spiritual lives?).
When you know that anyone of the 3 in your rotation is not a good fit for your life, you remove him, add someone new in and reshuffle the order. .
When you have put all your eggs in one basket - or guy - you stop looking at 'is he right for me' and instead get focused on 'does he like me?' That is secondary to 'is he right for me?' .
Hon, it is NOT possible to jump over the getting to know you stage to avoid the uncertainty that comes along with it. If you want a good solid relationship (thru Match.com) - you MUST build the foundation. It sounds like you're trying to take shortcuts in this and it's backfiring. Stop doing it..
If you want a good relationship (thru Match.com) - then make the decision to do it the right way - slowly..
Some great books on building a strong sense of self are: .
Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford and Calling in "The One": 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life by Katherine Woodward Thomas..
Calling inthe One is a 7 week workbook - a good relationship (thru Match.com) is worth doing your homework for.
Excellent advice. Especially the one with the "rotating the 3 guys". it's true that I tend to obsess over one guy and the thought "does he like me" over "is he the right one for me". like since I met this guy I stopped giving a chance to the others and going out with them.
So I understand that even if you think that someone is not really what you need (i think I'm pretty clear on what I'm looking for), I should still spend time with him and think "why not" or just have a fun date using Match.com with no committment? I guess the trick here is to manage the expectations and not to make any promises to anyone yet not to push people away either. a social butterfly.
Will check out the books.
I guess the last question in my head is - Where is the borderline between "slowly building a relationship" and "he is not into you so move on". Like our dates once a week and chats/talks couple of times a week are normal at the beginning "get to know you slowly" stage? Or ? What is a "normal" pace of "slow"?.
Sorry for basic silly questions - I do really appreciate this exchange as hopefully I'm about to change many things about myself and to finally have a healthy base for relationship......
<<so I understand that even if you think that someone is not really what you need (i think I'm pretty clear on what I'm looking for), I should still spend time with him and think "why not" or just have a fun date using Match.com with no committment?>>.
I do not advocate dating (online dating with Match.com) someone you know is not what you're looking for because there is nothing better to do (no better options to date) or to just 'have fun' unless you truly are just looking to date using Match.com casually. Part-time BFs take up just as much of your time and energy as full time BFs can - BUT they don't meet your needs AND keep you distracted from meeting someone who is a better fit. this is just me. I've never been much on casual dating. If you are in a relationship (thru Match.com) minded POV - then don't occupy your time with people who will not fit that - you can still get emotionally attached - and to the wrong man! (great book called something like "You're just not that into HIM either! goes into this a lot) Its really just settling for what's available rather than saving for what you truly want.
<<Where is the borderline between "slowly building a relationship" and "he is not into you so move on".>>.
Do you really not know when someone is interested in YOU and when they are just marking time? Think about how YOU act towards people and things you aren't 'that' interested in. Active interest is just that - active, deliberate and you have no doubts taht a person in interested in getting to know you because they make sure that you KNOW it. You put time, energy and effort into the person or pastime. Passive interest - is 'nothing better to do', random, occassional - and always leaves you wondering. Its random, you don't put much time or energy into it at all. Basically - if you are guessing and wondering if a man is interested in you, then the likelihood is that his interest level isn't very high. A sincerely interested man is deliberate and intentional in his pursuit of you. No guesswork necessary.
There is no normal pace of slow - other than a pace where the level of emotional development for each of you is fairly equal. it takes a good year or so to really get to know someone - and you've interacted with them consistenlty and routinely and in all kinds of situations. You are being open and honest with your feelings and with each other. You don't freak, hide your feelings or otherwise play games - you simply go with the flow without worry of how the other will 'think' of you or your actions.
"its a bit natural to want to see him, be excited, expect phonecalls, attention. reminds me the schooltimes I am not someone who easy falls for someone but when I fall I fall hard. which is no good I agree. I expect right away lots of attention and want things go fast. I get disappointed when I do not see it from the guy's side. ".
There's nothing wrong with how you feel or what you want from a man...it is normal and human-like..
I hope you dont mind me jumping in for a moment. I wanted to comment on a few points in this post:.
"Where is the borderline between "slowly building a relationship" and "he is not into you so move on". Like our dates once a week and chats/talks couple of times a week are normal at the beginning "get to know you slowly" stage? Or ? What is a "normal" pace of "slow"?".
Slowly building a relationship (thru Match.com) or a solid foundation takes time. You'll notice changes in how the two of you relate. For instance, you'll ebb and flow with each other and you'll know that he means what he says and says what he means because his actions validate his words. But this takes time. Getting to know you slowly happens naturally - I dont think there is a recipe for it...either it happens or it doesnt happen. .
I dont see anything wrong with the infatuation stage because I know it is a stage and it wears off and afterwards the relationship (thru Match.com) is still passionate and loving...but you dont wonder so much about what he feels or how he feels because while all of that infatuation has been going on...a friendship developed along side of it. I feel that the two can happen simulataneously...some people do not agree with me and that is okay, but I see too many people scared of the infatuation stage as though it were a disease...not so...enjoy it while you have it...love it...and treasure it because it doesnt come back again. .
As far as determining if he is right for you versus "does he like me" ... try to think of dating (online dating with Match.com) like you would job hunting. When I go on an interview I ask the interviewer questions about the company and it's culture because I need to know if the company is right for me too..
I'm not a multiple person dater. I like to get to know one person at a time but sometimes a couple of guys could cross over in terms of still dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy but interest is beginning to wane and a new guy on the scene. I cant give you advice on the 3 person rotation because I just dont date using Match.com that way. ..
"i want to get to know him, I like his maturity, his looks, his way of being, we have so much in common (at some point we were even joking that one of us is being a copy cat-our hobbies, interests in life, experiences, even little silly habits..) I ask myself how can I be so silly of feeling that way if I barely know him, if I never even kissed him, if he never even held my hand!!!.
He was so into me and now I sit and wonder why for a whole week he has never initiated a talk or written me. And I still wonder if I should send him 'bon voyage" email before I leave work tonight. Should i??".
Well, you already emailed him and you are pleased with the results...so I guess it was a good idea..
I know how you feel about your feelings about him. The only thing I can add is that if a guy allows your heart to change about him because he is not responding (letting too much time go by) ... then he is not as interested in you as he should be to date using Match.com you. If he has other priorities then chalk it up to bad timing or love never really takes a priority for someone like him. That is how I approach dating (online dating with Match.com) and men. When a man wants you in his life romantically he'll make time for you in some way to let you know that he cares and will communicate that and not hold back. If this guy, in the end, does not come through in the way you want him to...then he is not right for you. That is how I feel about previous situations I have been in that resemble your situation...
I truly appreciate your opinion and it's always more than welcome, snafu<<If this guy, in the end, does not come through in the way you want him to...then he is not right for you.>> So true... I know that he wants to be with someone - he said it indirectly yet clearly when I just met him, that often he feels lonely (like he said jokingly that he hated me 4being away on new year's eve coz he will be back and will not know what to do as all his friends are doing things in couples.) So if in January I will still wonder if he cares - then there is something in me that doesn't fit his 'ideal woman'. oh well then... will be frustrating but what can I do over it realistically? nothing... relationship (thru Match.com) is a choice of 2 people, we both must want it...as for dating (online dating with Match.com) others. I understand your point.
I have girlfriends who dated simultaneously several guys until they chose 'the one'. I would love to be able to do it but..i can't...even if I have big doubts about the guy I like..so I keep hanging out with guyfriends and even with guys who flirt like mad with me but as long as they accept my rules of the game - i'm not in a rush. and, sadly, I keep comparing them to that guy and I feel that although they are fun and nice people, they are not as mature, easygoing and I do not feel the same way when i'm with them....dont know - complicated a bit I find.....
Hello. just a quick update on this story:we both came back from vacation. he was more and more distant during these months and I just realised (from his words said indirectly) that he is dating (online dating with Match.com) another girl. oh well. another chapter closed. a bit unpleasant like a situation - I really fell for this guy.
Whats a point? I dont need another friend. trying to shake off the 'yet again' disappointment and "why"s in my head. they say it takes enourmous courage to admit that the person you liked is just 'not into u' and to forget him soon after. need to learn to do thati'm not going to cry over this. have my salsa class in an hour.
Just need to get it off my chest. pfffff..
Yes it does take courage, you should be proud of yourself. It's not that we don't make mistakes, but that we learn from them!.